Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs about The Wives
Who are you and what do you do?
We are a group of women who have been wounded by our husband's struggle with sexual addiction and sexual sins. We offer Godly support and encouragement on your path toward healing your heart.
Our 8-week sessions offer support, accountability, and hope through Jesus Christ. You can share your story in a safe and confidential environment with other women who have experienced similar pain, while working toward restoration.
During each 8-week session, we will be going through the book "When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart" by Vicki Tiede.
What do you believe?
We believe in the healing and restorative power of Jesus Christ done in community. For more information about our core beliefs and theology please visit: http://ajesuschurch.org/churches/
What does a group look like and who can be involved?
Each group will consist of 4-6 women and at least 1 leader/facilitator who has been through the hurt and healing process. During each group there will be time for book discussion, encouragement, and prayer. Our ministry is specifically to wives who have been hurt by the betrayal of their husband's sexual addiction.
What materials are needed and how much do they cost?
You will need to purchase the book "When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart" by Vicki Tiede.
How do I get involved?
To be involved in an upcoming group, please fill out the three Intake Forms on our website. You can also Contact Us with any other questions or inquiries. We will do our best to reply as soon as we can.
FAQs about Sexual Purity
I just found out about my husband's sexual sin. What do I do now?
Pray. We can not stress enough the incredible ways that your Lord desires for you to run to Him right now. He can and will provide comfort, wisdom, direction, and healing. He should always be the first one you turn to. Give your heart to the only one who can truly heal it. Now is the time to be honest and real with your Savior. He can see past your anger and into the pain. Talk to Him and "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7)
Seek. Open your Bible and pour over His words for you. Psalms are a wonderful place to land. Allow Him to speak wisdom and direction into your life. Consider journaling.
Share. Hurt and healing have one thing in common; they are nearly always done best in community. You do not have to do this alone. Find a few mature, Godly people to talk to. If you feel led to, join our group or another support group within your community. While we do not think it wise to share your situation with anyone and everyone, the support of other believers, particularly ones who have been through a similar path, can be very valuable to your healing, hope, and restoration. Be aware that not everyone is equally equipped to speak to your situation with wisdom and grace. Finding a believer who has knowledge and insight into the realities of sexual sin and its effects on marriages and families is much preferred for the best advice and guidance for both you and your husband. Our webpage has a few local resources listed.
Learn. If you have just recently found out about your husband's sexual sin, it may be too painful to learn about his struggle right now. In time, the initial pain and shock will subside and some women have found it very helpful to learn more about sexual addiction. Don't rush into this and always pray first that God protect your heart from the negative effects of learning too much, too soon. Never let learning about sexual sin throw you into the pits of fear, bitterness, anger, or despair. The purpose of learning about sexual sin should be to help you learn what your husband is struggling with. In time, allow God to use that knowledge to develop understanding and compassion in your heart. Again, let time, prayer, and consideration guide you in this.
You may also find it helpful to learn about your healing process and how sexual sin can effect spouses and families. See our resources page for some suggestions.
Cling. Cling to the hope you have, however small or timid it may seem right now. Our God is one of goodness, grace, and restoration. When there is little else to trust in, you can and should trust in that.
What is sexual addiction?
Sex was designed and purposed by our Creator to occur between a husband and wife as a beautiful expression of love fulfilled within the sanctity, safety, and stability of marriage. Biblical sex is characterized by deep mutual respect and care towards one another. It is unselfish. It is intimate. It is fun!
Any sexual act outside of these perimeters threatens to destroy the sanctity of this relationship. Sexual addiction is a term often used to describe a person who engages in sexual acts outside of these perimeters and is seemingly unable to control these sexual behaviors, urges, or thoughts. There is much controversy over the term sexual addiction. It can be translated many ways and many in the church prefer the terminology of "particular sin bent" or "slavery to sin." To add to the confusion, there are also many differences in the clinical definitions of sexual addiction.
We agree that all humanity is born a slave to sin and as believers, we are all in the process of being saved from that slavery by the redeeming work of Christ. We also agree that sexual sin varies widely from person to person in type, degree, and pervasiveness. We also acknowledge that not everyone who struggles with sexual sin would be considered a sexual addict, clinically speaking.
However, for clarity and brevity, in our purposes here we mean sexual addiction to include any sexual behaviors or thoughts that are outside of the perimeters of healthy, Biblical, marital sexual relations that are a continuous struggle despite attempts or desires of the struggling person to stop. Practically speaking, this can look like frequent and recurring masturbation, pornography viewing, lusting and fantasizing in one's thought life, physical sexual acts with others, visits to strip clubs, visits with prostitutes, and/or adultery.
This is not an exhaustive list, nor is it meant to scare you into believing that your spouse is involved with all of these activities.
For someone who struggles with sexual addiction, there is a general cycle that many fall into, particularly if they are a believer. Here is a common sin/shame cycle that many who struggle with sexual addiction continuously go through:
1. Something happens that elicits a negative feeling (feeling hurt, unappreciated, ashamed, inadequate, bored, etc. ad nauseam)
2. Sexual addict becomes more alert/aware of sexual temptations and may start "hunting/browsing" (gets online for no particular purpose or a seemingly innocent purpose, drives down a certain street, turns on the tv, etc.) This is usually an unconscious attempt to get away from the negative feeling.
3. Sexual addict's behavior escalates into a sexually sinful behavior (views pornography, masturbates, visits a strip club, etc.) During this time, the excitement/pleasure that comes with the sinful behavior negates the negative feeling from before.
4. The behavior ends. Sexual addict feels shame and vows to never do it again.
5. Shame is a negative feeling, and thus the cycle repeats. (Sometimes after a period of "being good" or rigid self-control.)
Generally, most sexual addicts are completely oblivious that they are stuck in a similar cycle as the one described above. They just know that they try to stop and have promised themselves many times that they will stop and yet they seem to fall back into the sinful behaviors again and again. Many have promised themselves they would stop so many times, they no longer even believe themselves. They live in a constant state of shame and fear.
There is good news. This cycle can be broken. Many sexual addicts find that once they discover both what is the root of their struggles (why do they engage in this behavior) and how much God can and will redeem and restore all parts of their minds, bodies, souls, and spirits they happily break free from this struggle. It can take time. It almost always takes some outside support and help. But it can end.
Jesus is in the business of redeeming us completely and wholly.
"In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel form the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on until completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:4-6
Who are you and what do you do?
We are a group of women who have been wounded by our husband's struggle with sexual addiction and sexual sins. We offer Godly support and encouragement on your path toward healing your heart.
Our 8-week sessions offer support, accountability, and hope through Jesus Christ. You can share your story in a safe and confidential environment with other women who have experienced similar pain, while working toward restoration.
During each 8-week session, we will be going through the book "When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart" by Vicki Tiede.
What do you believe?
We believe in the healing and restorative power of Jesus Christ done in community. For more information about our core beliefs and theology please visit: http://ajesuschurch.org/churches/
What does a group look like and who can be involved?
Each group will consist of 4-6 women and at least 1 leader/facilitator who has been through the hurt and healing process. During each group there will be time for book discussion, encouragement, and prayer. Our ministry is specifically to wives who have been hurt by the betrayal of their husband's sexual addiction.
What materials are needed and how much do they cost?
You will need to purchase the book "When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart" by Vicki Tiede.
How do I get involved?
To be involved in an upcoming group, please fill out the three Intake Forms on our website. You can also Contact Us with any other questions or inquiries. We will do our best to reply as soon as we can.
FAQs about Sexual Purity
I just found out about my husband's sexual sin. What do I do now?
Pray. We can not stress enough the incredible ways that your Lord desires for you to run to Him right now. He can and will provide comfort, wisdom, direction, and healing. He should always be the first one you turn to. Give your heart to the only one who can truly heal it. Now is the time to be honest and real with your Savior. He can see past your anger and into the pain. Talk to Him and "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7)
Seek. Open your Bible and pour over His words for you. Psalms are a wonderful place to land. Allow Him to speak wisdom and direction into your life. Consider journaling.
Share. Hurt and healing have one thing in common; they are nearly always done best in community. You do not have to do this alone. Find a few mature, Godly people to talk to. If you feel led to, join our group or another support group within your community. While we do not think it wise to share your situation with anyone and everyone, the support of other believers, particularly ones who have been through a similar path, can be very valuable to your healing, hope, and restoration. Be aware that not everyone is equally equipped to speak to your situation with wisdom and grace. Finding a believer who has knowledge and insight into the realities of sexual sin and its effects on marriages and families is much preferred for the best advice and guidance for both you and your husband. Our webpage has a few local resources listed.
Learn. If you have just recently found out about your husband's sexual sin, it may be too painful to learn about his struggle right now. In time, the initial pain and shock will subside and some women have found it very helpful to learn more about sexual addiction. Don't rush into this and always pray first that God protect your heart from the negative effects of learning too much, too soon. Never let learning about sexual sin throw you into the pits of fear, bitterness, anger, or despair. The purpose of learning about sexual sin should be to help you learn what your husband is struggling with. In time, allow God to use that knowledge to develop understanding and compassion in your heart. Again, let time, prayer, and consideration guide you in this.
You may also find it helpful to learn about your healing process and how sexual sin can effect spouses and families. See our resources page for some suggestions.
Cling. Cling to the hope you have, however small or timid it may seem right now. Our God is one of goodness, grace, and restoration. When there is little else to trust in, you can and should trust in that.
What is sexual addiction?
Sex was designed and purposed by our Creator to occur between a husband and wife as a beautiful expression of love fulfilled within the sanctity, safety, and stability of marriage. Biblical sex is characterized by deep mutual respect and care towards one another. It is unselfish. It is intimate. It is fun!
Any sexual act outside of these perimeters threatens to destroy the sanctity of this relationship. Sexual addiction is a term often used to describe a person who engages in sexual acts outside of these perimeters and is seemingly unable to control these sexual behaviors, urges, or thoughts. There is much controversy over the term sexual addiction. It can be translated many ways and many in the church prefer the terminology of "particular sin bent" or "slavery to sin." To add to the confusion, there are also many differences in the clinical definitions of sexual addiction.
We agree that all humanity is born a slave to sin and as believers, we are all in the process of being saved from that slavery by the redeeming work of Christ. We also agree that sexual sin varies widely from person to person in type, degree, and pervasiveness. We also acknowledge that not everyone who struggles with sexual sin would be considered a sexual addict, clinically speaking.
However, for clarity and brevity, in our purposes here we mean sexual addiction to include any sexual behaviors or thoughts that are outside of the perimeters of healthy, Biblical, marital sexual relations that are a continuous struggle despite attempts or desires of the struggling person to stop. Practically speaking, this can look like frequent and recurring masturbation, pornography viewing, lusting and fantasizing in one's thought life, physical sexual acts with others, visits to strip clubs, visits with prostitutes, and/or adultery.
This is not an exhaustive list, nor is it meant to scare you into believing that your spouse is involved with all of these activities.
For someone who struggles with sexual addiction, there is a general cycle that many fall into, particularly if they are a believer. Here is a common sin/shame cycle that many who struggle with sexual addiction continuously go through:
1. Something happens that elicits a negative feeling (feeling hurt, unappreciated, ashamed, inadequate, bored, etc. ad nauseam)
2. Sexual addict becomes more alert/aware of sexual temptations and may start "hunting/browsing" (gets online for no particular purpose or a seemingly innocent purpose, drives down a certain street, turns on the tv, etc.) This is usually an unconscious attempt to get away from the negative feeling.
3. Sexual addict's behavior escalates into a sexually sinful behavior (views pornography, masturbates, visits a strip club, etc.) During this time, the excitement/pleasure that comes with the sinful behavior negates the negative feeling from before.
4. The behavior ends. Sexual addict feels shame and vows to never do it again.
5. Shame is a negative feeling, and thus the cycle repeats. (Sometimes after a period of "being good" or rigid self-control.)
Generally, most sexual addicts are completely oblivious that they are stuck in a similar cycle as the one described above. They just know that they try to stop and have promised themselves many times that they will stop and yet they seem to fall back into the sinful behaviors again and again. Many have promised themselves they would stop so many times, they no longer even believe themselves. They live in a constant state of shame and fear.
There is good news. This cycle can be broken. Many sexual addicts find that once they discover both what is the root of their struggles (why do they engage in this behavior) and how much God can and will redeem and restore all parts of their minds, bodies, souls, and spirits they happily break free from this struggle. It can take time. It almost always takes some outside support and help. But it can end.
Jesus is in the business of redeeming us completely and wholly.
"In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel form the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on until completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:4-6